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  • Writer's pictureWarren Mitchell

It’s Not Just About Sex

Baobab trees, Madagascar

I read this post from my friend, Dana R. Green, of hairRox on Facebook:

“This hoe.”, I responded to Offset’s (Cardi B’s soon to be ex husband) side chick crying and being very apologetic. That was my initial reaction and as I thought more I realized there are a lot of fatherless girls (in the home or have walked away) in this world looking for validation. Looking for someone to complete and mend their broken hearts. Looking for the light in their fathers eyes. Looking for acceptance. Looking for that unconditional love. I have been that woman……though I didn’t seek it from someone else’s husband I searched it in men who didn’t deserve me to even look at them, and the ones that did I didn’t know what the “good man” looked like. Father’s… the light your daughter’s need. Materials are cool, but they’re a small entity to what her heart & spirit desires. Mother’s… the blueprint for your daughter’s needs. Carry yourselves in a way she will idolize. She won’t be perfect. She won’t always be able to verbalize what she needs. Support her father in helping her find her way. Our daughter’s need our uplifting, shielding, & comforting affirmations.💚#oneLOVE

Village of Men

As Lady Dana demonstrated some compassion for the young lady involved, I would like to present a perspective for the males involved, including the father and the one who cheats, in similar situations. Most emotionally or spiritually or physically absentee father have had and continue to struggle with own issues of not being nurtured by, not only a father who was present, but by an ongoing village of men in his life. As males, we need men around us to value, empower, challenge, listen, even cry with us and hold us accountable to our own greatness and wonder. 

The Undervalued Self

So many of us, in spite of the tough exterior, are very vulnerable to the winds of temptation. I don’t think it matters if the temptation is sex, material goods, drugs or looking good in the eyes of others. On some level there is an issue with not valuing one’s own innate worth. The attraction to giving to that temptation, in some subconscious way, in addition to a lack of discipline, is an attempt to fill that void. 

The Energy in the Seat of Authority

It’s not just about sex for us as men. Sex isn’t just about a physical release, as many may think. A significant component of our attraction to sex has to so with us not learning the value of our sense of worth, where it comes from and the responsibility we have to honor and respect ourselves. As a result, the energy of our egos then sit in the seat of authority where our spirit or authentic selves should be. This is at the core of most, if not all of our struggles (both men and women). In addition, we need the village of men of like minds to continue to value, empower, challenge, listen, cry with and hold us accountable;  to check ourselves and not allow our egos to run wild and rule our decision-making.

With the absence of this village of men for males, it becomes very difficult (not impossible) for a male to recognize his greatness, to say no to sex or immediate gratification when it violates the integrity of his divine self. The village of men of like minds is like a forest of Baobab or Redwood trees that protects the community, including their Queens, young trees and each other from the strong winds of temptations. 

Taking Ownership

However, in spite of not having this village while growing up, it is now our responsibility to regularly take a self-inventory and check in with ourselves and around us and ask, “Am I being true to who I really am?” “Are my, thoughts, emotional stability, attitudes or  behavior reflections of my divine greatness?” When we don’t do this, we are not front a center contributors of the pain in our lives and the lives of those we are responsible for–especially our kids. We now become vessels through which generational traumas and unresolved issues pass through into the next generation. 

So, when someone around me cheats, I need to ask, was I being a faithful friend or loved one to him? If I cheat, I need to ask, have I been honest with myself about my ownership and responsibility of my life–no matter what my father or mother did or didn’t do? I need to ask, who are the trees in my self that I cannot depend on and restructure my relationship with them. If not, I set myself up to potentially hurt someone I love. It is not hurt people who hurt others. It is hurting people who do. What energy is sitting in the seat of your authority?

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